


Beautiful Mistakes

by ThisBeautifulChaos



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen, YouTube Fandom
Genre: Fluff, Josh Bradley - Freeform, M/M, Miniminter - Freeform, Sidemen, Simon Minter - Freeform, Zerkaa - Freeform, jimon, minizerk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:59:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6224935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisBeautifulChaos/pseuds/ThisBeautifulChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon's POV</p><p>I knew it the moment I saw him. He was dark hair and crooked smiles. Red lips and gentle eyes. He was loud laughter and quiet whispers at 3 am and warm hands that I thought could protect me from anything. From my own self destruction, from my own selfishness.<br/>He was a drug… and I quickly became addicted. But before you call me out and say I’m being cheesy or cliché, you need to give me a chance. It was inevitable. We were inevitable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautiful Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is my story I've written about the Sidemen. If you would like, I would love for this to be Tweeted, or posted on Tumblr or even sent to one of the guys. Comments are much appreciated and even encouraged. Other than that, I hope you all enjoy :)

**Simon's POV**

It’s really fucking hot. The hottest July we've ever had. I know what you’re thinking, oh it’s England, it’s never hot there, they are such pussies. And that’s exactly what the comments said on my latest real life football video I had just posted on my main channel. I was sweating and you could visibly see it through my shirt. I hope the viewers don’t find that too disgusting. I ignore my pit stains and refresh the video to see the views rising, as well as the dislikes. Sure, at the moment, there was only 22 dislikes, but the video has only been up for 30 minutes, and it only takes half that time for the comments to make me feel shitty as always. Stupid shit like: Why do you still film with KSI, he’s just a douche now. You guys aren’t very good at football. Sub to my channel, I make awesome gaming vids. Why are you with JJ, you aren’t even a part of the sidemen. The comments were always the same. I keep scrolling, ignoring the hate and commenting on the kind ones. I’m always nervous when posting a new video, I always hope people like it, and like me. It’s one of my greatest qualities, as well as one of my biggest flaws: what others think of me. That is one of the reasons why I put off joining youtube for such a long time, it wasn’t until one of my old school friends KSI, known to me as JJ, told me to give it a chance, which was really frickin easy for him to say, as he had over 6 million subscribers at the time, and also was part of a rising youtube group known as the Sidemen consisting of friends he made in London. Finally after months and months of telling me to make a gaming channel I did: Miniminter, it was mostly me posting FIFA videos and playing against people online, then when that channel started gaining subscribers, I decided to make a second gaming channel: MM7games, consisting of scary and funny games. Oddly enough, I gained subscribers. I started making real like soccer videos with JJ and another one of his friends named Tobi. They kept telling me to move to London to join the Sidemen, but I couldn’t. I had the money, but I didn’t want JJ and the others to think I was trying to get famous off them. Not to mention the hate I would receive from “snaking” my way into the sidemen. So I stayed in Leeds. They were the only two out of the Sidemen I met, but I knew of the rest, even watched some of their videos, and they were cool… not to mention their channels all had well over a millions subscribers and I was barely making it with 200k on both channels, I know that joining the Sidemen would give me the boost my channel needs, but as of the moment, I didn't feel the need to leave my little apartment in Leeds.

I keep scrolling and refreshing when my phone starts ringing. I pick it up and turn it over to read the caller ID. JJ. I turn away from my computer and answer.

“Hello motherfucker.” JJ’s voice comes through loudly on the other end. I close my eyes and brace myself for whatever JJ has to say. I love JJ of course, don’t get me wrong, he was one of my first friends and one of the only reason I have 200k on my channels. If it wasn’t for our real life videos and the shout outs, I probably wouldn’t even be able to afford this shitty apartment as it is.

“Hey Jide, what’s up?” I ask, toying with a hole in the sleeve of my sweater.

“Our video’s doing well, I’m watching it right now.. Have I told you how much I love your editing?” He asks, a smile in his voice.

I smile and let out a small chuckle under my breath, listening as JJ taps away on his computer through the line. “Thanks Jide.” I say somewhat sarcastically. A lot of people think JJ is a complete asshole, that his ego is bigger than income… Which is pretty big I might add, but he genuinely is a good guy. JJ is the type of person that would do anything for anyone, he just has a loud personality and I guess that turns people off. He starts rambling about this girl he’s been talking to and how they hooked up a couple days ago at some huge party. I continue listening slightly as I scroll through the comments one more time, a new one shows up with 45 likes from ZerkaaHD. I pause and hover my mouse over the name. Zerkaa… Known more to me as Josh. I bite my lip and read what he’s written: Sick vid, mate, hopefully we can officially meet and make one of our own :) I read it over a couple more times and can’t help the blush that forms slightly on my cheeks.

“Simon…” JJ says suddenly, his voice rising. “Are you listening to me Simon?! The fucking shrimp landed in her hair!”

I am immediately pulled out of my own thoughts when JJ’s booming voice hits my end. “Sorry JJ,” I say, exiting off the internet, “the shrimp, yeah yeah, go on.” I say standing and walking over to my mirror. JJ continues and I look at my reflection, zoning out on JJ again. Finally the story ends and his end goes quiet.

“Simon…” JJ says after a couple seconds of silence.

“Yeah, Jide?” I ask, still looking at myself.

“Come to London.” He says.

I roll my eyes and groan, “JJ, not this again…”

“Simon listen, just come and stay with me until you find a place of your own, yeah? It’s so hard to film with you all the way in Leeds.” He whines, sounding much like a four year old.

“It’s only 3 hours away.” I mumble, knowing JJ has a valid point.

“Oh, come on Simon that’s ridiculous and you know it.” He says back quickly, his words running together, but I understand everything, considering I have been friends with him for 9 years.

I sigh and rub my eyes, “Maybe.” I say finally.

“Maybe?!” JJ shouts and he’s getting excited, I pull the phone slightly away from my ear, knowing Jide’s going to start yelling.

“Oh Simon, oh my god! Okay, what are the plans, how are you getting here? Should I pick you up or are you gonna drive, what about—“

“JJ!” I shout back to him, but my voice doesn’t even compare to his, he stops short and grows quiet. “I said maybe mate, not yes.” I say normally when he’s quieted down.

“But Simon…” He says and I roll my eyes, knowing what’s coming next.

JJ sniffles loudly, exaggerating way too much, another thing I have grown to love, I try to fight the small smile playing its way onto my lips.

“Simooooon, you have to come! Please, I miss you so much. I want you to be part of the Sidemen!” He says, whining even louder.

I sigh and bite my lip. Say no Simon. Stay here in Leeds, meet a nice girl, save up enough money, get married, and live the life your parents wanted for you. If you go to London with JJ there will just be partying… and temptations. Temptations that don’t happen here in Leeds. The words sick vid, mate, hopefully we can officially meet and make one of our own rings over and over in my head. I suddenly taste blood in my mouth and I don’t realize I’ve bitten my lip so hard. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, a streak of crimson appearing.

“Simon Simon Simon, pleeeeaaaaasseeeee, Simon!!” JJ begs, whining and sniffling.

“Fine!” I finally shout, if not just to get JJ to shut up for five seconds. “I’ll come to London.”

“Yay! Oh my god Simon thank you so—“

“I’m not moving there.” I cut him off suddenly. “Just visiting and if… and only if I like it, will I consider staying.” I say, deciding that this is the best way to handle to situation. I’ll go, please JJ for a week or so, and come back to Leeds.

“You’ll love it here Simon, I promise!” JJ exclaims, “I can finally introduce you to the rest of the sidemen! We can film a ton of videos.” He pauses and his voice is then muffled.

“Vik!” He shouts, he then groans and I hear a ruffling sound from the other end. “Vik! Simon is finally coming! Where’s Josh?” His name faintly hitting me, causing me to hold my breath.

“Ahh, fuck you then!” JJ laugh shouts and the sound of a door closing is heard again.

“So when are you coming?” He then asks.

Anxiety is forming in the pit of my stomach as JJ continues rambling about the schedule and which room is his and how he’s going to throw him a big party for when he arrives.

“So your’e driving then?” He says, going off topic again.

“I’ll drive there, yes.” I decide. “I’ll come on Friday, sound good?” My gut is telling me this is a bad idea. I can’t go back to what I was before. Before youtube, before everything… I cant be that person again, I’m finally getting better.

“That’s… fucking amazing!” He shouts again. “I’ll text you our address, and I’ll make up the spare bedroom, you can bring whatever gaming monitors you want… hell you can bring your own bloody stove for all I care, I’m just happy you’re coming.”

“Me too, Jide.” I say and I mean it...at least to some extent.

“Okay… Well, keep in touch, Friday night I’m throwing you a welcome party, you can meet everyone and get acquainted, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I nod to myself.

“I’ll talk to you later, k mate?”

“JJ, wait.” I swallow and sit down on the edge of my bed.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“Don’t… let me get bad again, okay?” I say quietly, grasping the phone.

“Never, Simon. I’ll be right beside you the whole time.” For the first time in the whole conversation JJ sounds serious and I couldn’t be anymore appreciative.

“Thanks, Jide, love you.”

“Love you too.” He replies, then the line goes silent. I sit there in silence for a moment taking in my surroundings. A worn down apartment with pealing wallpaper. A single monitor and random games scattered throughout the room. Maybe this is a good thing, get out of this town for a bit, start over where no one really knows me. Maybe this is needed. I sigh and lay back on my bed and stare at the water stained ceiling. Well Simon…there’s only one way to find out.

**Simon's POV**

Get out of the car Simon. Get out of the car before JJ or worse, Josh, sees you sitting in the middle of the drive way like an idiot. Though these words gave me the confidence to put my car in park and place my feet on the ground, it completely shatters when my hand is inches from the door. Why am I so nervous to be here? I have absolutely no reason to be shitting myself right now. Ignoring my thoughts and my slightly pounding heart, I knock on the door. Moments later I am met with a smiling JJ who immediately scoops me into a big hug.

“I am so fucking happy to see you!” He laughs gripping me tightly.

“You too, JJ.” He finally lets me go and I can feel the love for my best friend fill my chest.

He walks out my car and I follow, watching as he grabs what few bags I have out of the back seat.

“You don’t have to do that, Jide, I can grab them.” I say, reaching to open the front door for him.

“Nonsense,” He says, setting my bags down in the middle of the big entry way. “Come on, I’ll give you a quick tour.”

The house is big, way bigger than I expected it to be. There is a huge staircase as soon as you walk through the door. It is met with a nice kitchen on one side and a room with a couch and television on the other, there is then a small hallway that leads to an empty room with only a ping pong table. We then make our way upstairs which has a bathroom and two bedrooms.

“This is Vik’s room.” JJ says pointing to the room to the left. “He should be in there, but he’s probably recording. We’ll go bother him after the tour.” He chuckles and moves onto the next door.

“Josh’s room…” He then says and I try my best to nod casually, trying not to show any sign of feelings, not that I had any towards Josh... he’s just an awesome youtuber that I hope to live up to… It’s most definitely not because I may find Josh somewhat attractive, but I’m not gay, he is good looking, anyone would agree with me.

“There’s just a bathroom there, so that’s pretty boring.” He quickly opens the bathroom door and I glance in, noting it’s exactly what any other bathroom looks like. He then leads me down another small hallway with more stairs going up and a couple going down.

“My room is down here.” We take the stairs and it’s safe to say JJ has the biggest room in the house, which makes sense, he picked the house out and did most of the work in purchasing it.

“And finally Simon…” He announces, leading us back to the small hallway with the staircase leading up the final floor, “are you ready to see where you will be staying?”

“Sure, Jide.” I say laughing slightly. We make our way up the staircase and he opens the door. I am met with an average looking room with a bed in the middle of the room with a dresser off to the side and a desk in front of the bed. There wasn’t much to it, it was simple, and for that I was grateful. Knowing JJ I’m surprised I wasn’t met with some ridiculous decor or welcoming “presents," but JJ had said on the phone he was going to look after me.

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah, JJ, its perfect.” I turn to him and smile, letting him know I was appreciative of what he is doing.

“Cool, I’ll go grab your bags, wait here, then I’ll introduce you to Vik and call Josh to see where the hell he is, probably with Freya.” He rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

I walk over and sit on the bed looking around. Well, this sure beats my old musky apartment. The walls were stain free and nothing here smelt of mildew. I nibble on my bottom lip and let my mind wander to Freya. I knew who she was, she was Josh’s girlfriend, not that I’ve ever met her or anything. When JJ comes to visit he usually blabs on about random things and what’s going on back in London. The last time I heard her name she and Josh were in an argument because Josh records too much and doesn’t spend enough time with her.

“It’s not like Youtube is his fucking job or anything.” JJ had said shaking his head. It’s safe to say JJ isn’t very fond of her… and neither am I.

A moment later JJ comes tumbling up the stairs with my bags in hand. He sets them in front of the bed and wipes his hands on the back of his pants.

“Alright, time to meet Vik.” He smiles and reaches his hand out to me, I happily take it. I let JJ go ahead of me as I walk quietly behind him. He goes up to Vik’s door and opens it, not bothering to knock. I walk in shyly behind him. Vik takes off his headphones and turns to face JJ.

“Yeah man?” He asks, not noticing me at first, a second later our eyes meet and recognition lights up his face.

“Is today Friday already? Shit Simon, it’s so good to finally meet you, JJ wouldn’t shut up about you for the past week.” He stands and walks over to me, giving my hand a shake. “So you’re the newest member of the Sidemen, yeah? Cool cool, good to have you mate.”

I nod and shake his hand back giving him a quiet thank you. He starts talking to me about how bad he is at football and how there are all different co-op games there are for the Sidemen to do, minus Harry he states a moment later, and I can’t tell if he’s joking or not. I nod politely letting him know I’m listening when really I am already exhausted. Vik is already talking my ear off and JJ is telling him to shut up because I don’t play Minecraft.

“That’s alright mate, the lads give me shit for playing it, when they used to play it all the time as well.” Vik says shaking his head as JJ tells him it isn’t true.

I laugh quietly as JJ changes the subject to my welcome party tonight. Shit, I totally forgot about that…. I don’t even want a party at all, but I can’t tell JJ that, he’s been texting me about it all week. Asking me what color plates and cups I want. He hired a DJ and rented a nice hotel room with glass windows and a view of the city. I don’t have it in me to tell JJ that I just want to sleep, so instead I just smile again as he talks about everyone he’s invited, names I don’t even recognize. Why would JJ invite people to my welcome party that don’t even know me? It’s JJ… he doesn’t have to have a reason.

“Where’s Josh?” JJ asks suddenly, pulling me out of my own thoughts and back to the present.

“Dunno, he said he had some errands to run, whatever that means. He needs to be here so we can get a video done before the party tonight.” Vik complains.

“Let me call him.” JJ says pulling his phone out of his pocket. I watch as he unlocks it and dials Josh’s number. I wipe my clammy hands on the back of my pants and wait silently, as soon as I hear a faint hello through the other line my breath hitches.

“Josh, mate, where the hell are you?” JJ asks. I try and listen to the response but the words all run together, making them impossible to hear.

“I told you Simon was coming—“ JJ starts, but stops short as Josh interrupts him. I wonder what Josh is saying to him. Is he talking about me? Does he even want me here? What if he meets me and hates me?

“Okay, well just meet us at the hotel then.” JJ says after a minute, hanging up the phone without bothering with a goodbye.

“Freya?” Vik asks him.

“Who else would he be with?” JJ scoffs, sliding his phone back in his pocket. What is the beef with Freya all about? I know that her and Josh have been arguing, but that was a couple months ago… I open my mouth to ask about it, but then think better of it. It’s none of my business, besides Josh has been with Freya forever and according to JJ they are inseparable, so they’re probably not fighting at all. Why am I even bothering thinking about this?? Freya and Josh’s relationship means nothing to me.

“Simon…” JJ says, and by the look on his face I can tell this isn’t the first time he’s said my name.

“Yeah?” I ask, looking between him and Vik as if they can hear my thoughts… They probably wouldn’t have to, all they’d have to do is look at the blush that is burning my cheeks.

“Is there anything you want to do before your party?” He asks sincerely, sounding kind of worried.

“No, I think I’m just gonna take a quick nap and shower.” I smile letting him know everything is good.

“Okay, well if there’s anything you need, just shout for either me or Vik and we’ll be there.”

“Thank’s Jide… and Vik.”

Vik gives me a smile. “No problem mate, it's really cool to have you here.”

“It’s good to be here.” I say smiling again. Jide and I leave Vik’s room and go our separate ways. I quickly use the bathroom and give my hair a quick fix, then start unpacking all of my things in the room, starting by setting up all of my gaming things. I then set a framed picture of me and my family on my dresser, consisting of me, my two brothers and my mum. I look at it for a moment and smile sadly thinking of her. Sure she isn’t the best mum, but she’s the only one I have and I love her. Sadly I couldn’t say the same for my father. Partly because I don’t know where he is anymore…. but I really don’t want to get into that.

Half an hour later I’m still going at it. Hanging up my clothes and laying out my shoes and other random things that make this room feel a little more like me. I sit down on the bed for a moment to take a break, though I am feeling somewhat less tired and anxious then I was when I first arrived. A second later there is a faint knock on the door.

“Come in?" I say, but it comes out more as a question. The door opens slightly and JJ walks in, giving me a small smile as he takes a seat next to me.

“Wow… you’ve already mintered up this room I see.” He laughs, picking up a random purple neck pillow for plane flights. I laugh and grab it.

“Shut up.”

“But for real Simon.” He says, turning to face me. “how are you?”

I swallow and bite my lip, knowing this was coming. Ever since that thing that happened in January when JJ was visiting, he has been different towards me, not bad different just, watching over me more and more.

“I’m okay, JJ, really.” I place my hand on his shoulder and he sighs.

“Promise?” He asks seriously.

“I promise.” I say back, giving his shoulder a squeeze. Another reason I didn't want to come here, I don't want JJ to feel as if he has to babysit me.

“You don’t have to watch over me like a babysitter, you know.” I say, removing my hand and placing it in my lap.

“I’m not babysitting you Simon, I care about you.”

“I dont want to feel like a burden.” I say quietly.

“Simon Minter,” He says, grabbing my face gently, meeting my eyes. “You are not a burden. I want you here.” He lets me go and I look silently down at my hands.

“Okay.” I say, not looking up at him. He is quiet for a moment, and it’s not long before we are sitting in comfortable silence.

“Get some rest, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.”

He stands and ruffles my hair, gently closing the door on his way out. I sigh and run my hand through my hair, trying to fix it to how it was before JJ flattened it, I then realize I don’t even care. I crawl under the blankets and pull them close to my face. A long nap and a long shower is then what I’m going to need if I’m going to be able to get through this welcome party. I close my eyes and try to push away all of the anxiety and finally sleep becomes me.

**Simon's POV**

I wake up slowly, my eyes squinting to adjust to the lights. For a moment I am confused and slightly scared because I have no idea where I am. It then all comes back to me and I remember I’m in London. I sit up but that only causes me to go dizzy. I grab around the bed trying to feel around for my phone. I finally find it and read the time. Shit. The party was in an hour. I stand up and immediately my head starts pounding… So much for a refreshing nap. I make my way to the bathroom and turn it on, waiting for the steam to rise and settle over the mirror before I strip down and step in. I stand there for a moment, allowing the hot jets to hit me. After a while I shampoo my hair and wash my body. I exit the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. I clean off the steamed mirror and look at my self. My chest is bright red from the hot water hitting me and there are black bags under my eyes already. I look a proper mess. No, scratch that, I look like a drug addict. I make my way back to my room and throw on some nice clothes. I do my hair and quickly brush my teeth, I then stare at myself in the mirror for ten minutes wondering if I should say I’m sick to get out of this. I don’t know if you have noticed this yet, but I don’t do well around others. In fact I am probably the most awkward person there is. I continue contemplating my excuse when there’s a knock on my door.

“Simon, are you decent?” Jide’s voice echoes through the wood.

“Yes, Jide.” I smirk as he enters dressed in all black with a gold chain around his neck.

“Don’t you look sexy.” JJ jokes, poking my arm.

“I know right.” I joke back. I walk over and grab my shoes, sitting down on my bed to put them on.

“Are you excited?” He asks.

“Yes, I am,” I say sincerely, trying to ignore the guilty ping in my stomach. “Thank you so much JJ, you really didn’t have to do this.”

“Nonsense!” He shouts. “Only the best for my best friend.”

I laugh and walk over to my mirror giving myself one last look. I run my hand through my hair one last time and take a deep breath.

“Ready?” JJ asks, walking over and standing next to me.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Josh's POV**

Can Freya just shut the fuck up for five minutes. Okay, maybe that was a little harsh, but I’ve literally been with her the whole day, just like she forced— I mean asked, me to do. Then, not only did she invite herself to this welcome party, she’s already gotten mad at me twice for trying to talk to Ethan, another member of the Sidemen. Can JJ just get here already please. I don't know how much alcohol I’m gonna need for this night to become bearable, but right now, there doesn’t seem like there’s enough vodka in the world.

“Josh… Josh!” Freya says again, yanking my arm to get my attention.

“Yes dear?” I ask between my teeth, trying my hardest to keep cool.

“I said, will you please go get me another mint mojito.” She scoffs, shooting me a look of annoyance as she shakes her empty glass in my face.

“Of course, love, be right back.” I smile tightly at her and break away, finally feeling as if I’ve got air in my lungs again. I was seriously feeling like I was suffocating. A lot of you right now are probably super confused and I know... why would I be dating Freya if she annoys the shit out of me? The answer: I don’t have a choice… literally. I’ve known the girl forever, like literally since we were in diapers. It has always been my parent’s plan for me and her to get married. Our mothers are best friends and Freya’s father is my father’s boss.. Her father made a deal with my father that as long as I made Freya happy they would still stay in business. In a way, my father’s job depends on this relationship. I do love Freya, but just not in that way… and lately the thought of having to ask her to be my wife made jumping off the Big Ben seem like a fun time. There might have been a time where I had feelings towards her, but those feelings only lasted for a very short amount of time, now a days she feels like a sister to me, and I really don’t want to have any more sex with my sister… besides, she's sort of missing some equipment downstairs that I prefer, if you catch my drift.

I make my way past throngs of people laughing and dancing and if there’s one thing JJ can do, it’s throw an amazing party. The lights were dimmed to a low blue and the tall windows gave everyone a perfect view of the London city lights. The DJ was going hard and people were laughing/talking/making out… Some where doing all three. I finally made it towards the bar after basically elbowing my way through the crowd. I lean against the counter waiting for the bartender to notice me. After a second he turns around and damn… he is easy on the eyes, and by that, I mean he’s really fucking attractive.

“What can I get you?” He asks, his words slow and deep, sending me a sly smile.

“Mint mojito.” I say, returning the smile.

“Coming right up, Mr…?” He pauses and looks me up and down.

“Bradley, Josh Bradley.” I say to him biting my lip. Who says a little flirting won’t hurt?

“Right… Mr. Bradley, coming right up." He starts making the drink and I turn to people watch. Half of them were already drunk and lazily grinding on each other. I chuckle under my breath and turn back to sexy bar man. A moment later a hand grabs my shoulder. I turn around to see Ethan with a drink in hand.

“Tell Freya to stop taking you away from me.” He pouts.

“Good luck with that, she’s basically got me on a collar.” I laugh, sliding my eyes back to the bartender who meets my eyes and winks. I turn back to Ethan.

“Where are the others?” I ask, trying to find some other Sidemen. I finally spot Harry dancing towards the back with a blond girl Ive never seen before.

“Fuck if I know. I texted JJ five times asking him where he is and he hasn’t answered. Vik is with his girlfriend probably off doing god knows what and Harry’s found himself a buddy for the night, if you know what I mean.” Ethan rolls his eyes.

“And Tobi?” I ask loudly over the music.

Ethan takes a sip of his drink, “He’s talking with the DJ.” He nods his head over to the booth where Tobi is leaning in, looking through the music.

“Looks like it’s just us then tonight my friend.” I say, slinging my arm over his shoulder, trying to ignore when the newest member of Sidemen was going to show up.

“Fuck off, you’ve got Freya.” He says sourly, downing the rest of his drink.

“Hey, Mr. Bar Man, can I get another.” He holds up his empty glass to the sexy man behind the counter.

“Absolutely my friend.” He shoots me another smile and grabs Ethan’s empty glass.

“Did… did that guy just smile at you like that?” Ethan asks.

“I guess so why?” I ask, playing it cool, not that Ethan would give a shit if I told him I was actually gay. I don’t even try to hide it, I just have never said anything about, and because I’m dating Freya no one really says anything.

“Unfucking believable.” Ethan says incredulously. “You have guys AND girls trying to get into your pants and I cant even get a solid 3 to text me back…” He scoffs. “And look at me, I’m at least an 8.”

I laugh loudly, and place my hand on his shoulder. “Sorry mate.” The bartender then slides my drink to me, along with Ethan’s.

“There you go, Mr. Bradley.”

I give him another smile and turn to leave, Ethan right behind me.

“Mr. Bradley, seriously.” He pouts again. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“Boohoo Bez, now go before Freya throws another fit because I’ve been gone for more than three minutes.”

“Alright fine, I guess I’ll try and get Tobi to dance with me… He’s the nicest one out of all of you, he’ll take pity on poor Ethan.” He says, addressing himself in third person as he takes another huge sip of his drink and sulks off towards the DJ booth. I chuckle quietly under my breath as I make my way back to Freya.

“Thanks babe.” Freya says taking the drink and leaning into me. “I missed you.”

I sigh loudly, trying to make a point, and if she got it, she ignores it, instead takes a sip and puts her head on my shoulder.

“I’m bored.” She says a moment later. Just fucking dandy.

“What do you want to do then?” I ask. She turns to me and gives me a sly smile. I really hope she doesn’t take that as me flirting when it was me literally trying to ask her what the fuck she wants from me now. I really hope it’s not sex. There’s only so many times Leonardo DiCaprio can keep me hard enough to finish.

She bites her lip and leans close to my ear. “I wanna dance.” She whispers, her breath minty and hot in my ear, making me want to gag.

“Sure.” I say, allowing her to lead me onto the packed dance floor. I spot Ethan trying to talk to some girl while Tobi is laughing with Harry, the blond girl now gone. I follow as Freya grabs my shirt and grinds into me. Come on Josh… Act into it. I grip her hips and try to dance back. I make eye contact with Tobi and Harry and they throw me a thumbs up and make stupid kissing faces at me. I ignore them and burry my head into Freya’s shoulder. Her shampoo doesn’t smell good. I stand up straight again and allow Freya to dance as I sway with her, hoping I don’t have a look of pain on my face. At least I won’t be getting a noticeable boner any time soon. We keep dancing for a while until I see JJ walk into the room, a tall blond boy right behind him. Simon Minter. I bite my lip and grip Freya’s hips a little harder, not because she’s doing a good job, but because Simon is even more attractive in person. I’ve tried to flirt with him in the Youtube comments so many times, with no luck. He stands shyly next to JJ, smiling softly at the people JJ is introducing him to. His eyes start scanning the room, a second later they land on me. He immediately looks away and his cheeks turn a slightly darkish color that is hard to see under the dark lighting. He shoves is hands deeper into his pockets and turns back to JJ. So much for the not noticeable boner.

**Simon's POV**

As soon as I entered the party, I knew it was going to take all of my strength not to get carried away in the intense atmosphere. Bodies among bodies among bodies. Drinks and smoke and glitter lining the surface of my eye sight, making all of my senses say: let go, have a good time, get a little drunk. But I couldn’t… and I won’t. I stand closer to JJ as he pushes past some people he didnt' bother saying hi to. He walks up to a man and woman holding drinks dressed in expensive looking clothing.

“Simon, this is Sway, the producer of the Keep Up EP.” JJ says, giving the guy a quick handshake. “and this is his beautiful wife, Jeanette. Sway, this is my best friend Simon and also the newest addition to the Sidemen.”

“Hi, lovely to meet you both.” I say, shaking both their hands and hoping I didn’t look as nervous as I sounded.

“You too Simon, JJ is a lucky friend to have.” He says kindly, putting his hand around his wife’s waist and pulling her in close to him.

“I know, I am blessed.” I say, half joking, half not. They smile anyway and say a polite goodbye.

“His wife so wanted to fuck me.” JJ says a moment later when they were out of earshot.

“Jide!” My eyes widen in bewilderment.

“What?! Did you not see the body language I was getting from her… Jeanette… God she’s sexy.” He licks his lips.

“JJ, you are something else.” I say, scanning the room looking for familiar faces. I notice some other Youtubers like Calfreezy standing next to FifaMany, Tobi’s brother. I should definitely go say hi to them if I get the time, but I have a feeling JJ is going to make it his job to introduce me to almost everyone here. It is my welcome party to be fair. I keep scanning until my eyes land on Josh. And he was even more attractive in real life, then in his videos. I immediately stop breathing. A girl I’m assuming is Freya is grinding very forcibly on him. He looks up and our eyes meet as small smile forms on his lips. I immediately look away and blush deeply, the image of his hands gripping Freya’s hips fresh in my mind. JJ notices me go silent and turns to me.

“You okay? Is it too much for you?” He asks as if he has suddenly taken in his surroundings.

“No, no I’m fine… Just got a little claustrophobic there for a minute.” I say, trying my hardest not to look in Josh’s direction again.

“Do you want to go outside and get some air? Are you going to throw up?” He grips my shoulder and looks at me intently.

“No, no.” I say, giving him a small smile. “I’m fine really.”

JJ continues looking at me for another moment before nodding. “Okay, well, if you’re sure, I want you to meet the Sidemen, considering you are one.”

I let out a small scoff, “Okay Jide.” I follow as he leads me into the heart of the dance floor, pushing our way past people dancing and grinding. The first person he introduces me to is Tobi and Harry.

“Guess who’s finally here!” He announces. “Tobi, you already know him, so you don’t count.” JJ laughs.

“Hi Simon.” Tobi says, smiling nicely at me. I return it.

“Harry, nice to finally meet you.” Harry says as he shakes my hand and smiles nicely as well.

“You too.” I say, not really knowing what else to say to him. All I know is that out of the Sidemen Harry records with them the least. I don’t know if there’s beef there or not. JJ and Tobi both seem cool with him though.

“Have you seen Ethan?” JJ asks them. Harry points behind us to where Ethan is trying to get Josh’s attention. I watch as Josh turns away from Freya and laughs at something Ethan says. Freya whispers something to Josh and starts walking towards the bathroom.

“Come on.” JJ says, taking my hand and leading me over to where Ethan and Josh are standing.

“Yoooo.” JJ says, slinging his arm around Josh who immediately looks at me. I swallow hard and try to tell myself there is nothing to get nervous about. There are absolutely no feelings here towards anyone. I like girls.

“Hiya Jiday.” Ethan murmers, giving him a hug, ignoring Josh’s arm. It’s clear he’s drunk.

“Ethan, Josh, this is Simon.” He says giving me a pat on his back.

“Simon! It is so good to meet a fellow brethren.” Ethan says, walking over and hugging me. His body warm. “Welcome to the Sidemen!”

“Thanks.” I say awkwardly hugging him back.

“I must get you a drink…” He lifts his glass into the air. “What’s your poison.”

I shove my hands deeper into my pockets, feeling Josh’s eyes on me. “I uh… Don’t drink.” I say blushing slightly.

Ethan’s eyes grow wide and JJ clears his throat.

“Why not?” Ethan asks like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard.

“I… like to always be in control… it’s an OCD thing I guess.” I instinctively look at Josh whose face is unreadable. I look away and turn towards Ethan who is nodding like he completely understands. God, Josh must think I’m a complete weirdo. Not that I care what he thinks.

I rub my hands on the back of my pants and look at JJ who is chewing on his bottom lip.

“Simon. Josh. Josh. Simon.” He says then, and I know he’s trying the break the awkwardness that has settled upon us.

“Hi.” He says, flashing me a sly grin. His eyes suddenly making me forget my own name.

“Hi.” I say back, taking him in. My stomach immediately turns and I look away.

“I have to use the bathroom.” I say suddenly, pushing past JJ and everyone else, feeling the heat radiate off my own body as I push open the door to the men’s room and lock myself in a stall. This can’t be happening again. I was doing so well to ignore all of this. This sickness. I take a deep breath and tell myself to calm down. I want to go home, and I don’t mean back to the room at the Sidemen house, but to my apartment back at Leeds, where I didnt have any real friends and I could live in isolation and not have to face my demons. I clench my fists together and unclench them slowly. When my breathing returns to normal I push open the door and the music becomes loud again. I keep my head down and start walking when I collide with another human.

“I am so sorry.” I say, reaching my arm out to steady the stranger. When I look up I come face to face with Freya.

“My fault, I’m such a klutz.” She says, smiling warmly.

“Do I know you?” She asks, squinting at me.

“Uhm, I’m Simon, JJ’s friend…. Newest member of the Sidemen?” I say, not really caring if she actually knows me or not.

Recognition lights up in her eyes, “Oh yeah! I’m Freya, Josh’s girlfriend.” She extends her hand. "He’s always watching your Fifa videos, I think thats why you look so familiar.”

My chest tightens as I take in her words. He’s always watching your Fifa videos. I knew Josh had seen a couple of them, but i had no idea he watches them a lot.

“Oh, cool, yeah.” I say, mentally kicking myself for sounding so stupid. I return the handshake.

“I should, uh, let you get back to the party.” I say, stepping aside so she could walk past me.

“Yeah… I guess I should, sorry we had to meet like this… I hope it wasn’t too awkward for you.” She laughs.

“No, no we’re good.” I smile.

“Okay, good, I’ll see you around Simon.” She gives me another smile.

“Yeah, see you.” With that she leaves and walks back over to Josh who smiles at her and accepts her embrace. I bite my lip and watch as she wraps her arms around him, and what feels for about the eightieth time this night, Josh’s eyes land on me again. They are shining and his lips are so lovely, and his skin looks so smooth and soft and I am finally growing to accept… that I am royally fucked.

**Josh's POV**

“Easy does it,” I say, gripping Freya’s arm and guiding her gently into the car. She moans a little, barely making it in before she collapses. I buckle her up and gently close the door. It was a little past 4 and the party was mostly over, except for the people passed out on the floor too drunk to leave… people like Freya. The party was alright to say the least, JJ and simon left around 2 am because he wasn’t feeling well. Simon was quiet, which didn’t take me long to find out. He stood by JJ most of the night, laughing softly and making small talk with others. JJ was different around Simon, which I found very strange. JJ cares about the Sidemen, but the way he was with Simon, gentle, and always asking him if he was okay, was different then JJ’s (not to sound like a dick) selfish nature. Simon seemed very fragile and soft. I tried all night to talk to him or to get his attention, but there was one major problem in the way, and it was currently snoring loudly from the passenger side. The whole night she wouldn’t take her hands off me, nor let me talk to any of the sidemen. I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just ditch her? Ignore her and hang out with your friends anyway. It’s not that simple. I am with the sidemen almost 24/7. Freya is in school. I get to see her a couple times a week, our parents are friends and they expect us to get married one day. My whole life has been planned. My parents aren’t exactly the most accepting people, they told me from the beginning, you will go to school, get an education, become an engineer or a computer person or something that makes good money, marry freya, have kids, and die. You could only imagine their response when I decided to make youtube my full-time job, they basically wanted to disown me. If i leave Freya that would be the last straw with my family. I needed to think about them. I want to make them proud of me. So what do I do? I put my car in drive and take Freya home, tucking her in and placing a glass of water next to her on the table. Then I make my way back home to crash, dreaming of a place where I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I open the door slowly, knowing everyone was probably sleeping, except for Vik who went home with his girlfriend. It would just be JJ and Simon in the house. I slip off my jacket and hang it over the stairs then walk into the kitchen. Simon is there standing by the sink a glass of water in his hands. He lets out a gasp and jumps.

“Didn’t mean to scare you mate.” I say, walking over to grab a glass out of the cabinet, but not before I slide my eyes over him. He looked good, even disheveled from sleep, wearing a sidemen shirt and sweatpants that hung low around his thin frame, he looked smaller, even more innocent. His eyes still as wide and blue as they were at the party. His hair was sticking up slightly on one side and his skin milky soft. I swallow hard and walk over the fridge and dispense ice into the glass.

“It’s alright.” Simon says quietly.

“Did you enjoy your party?” I ask trying to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah.” Is all he says. I walk over next to him and turn on the tap water. Our arms brush slightly as Simon takes a step back.

“You’re up late.” I say, leaning against the counter. I bring the water to my lips and take a small sip.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He shrugs, avoiding my gaze.

“Sucks mate.” I say and it falls silent.

“Well, its late.” Simon says, pushing himself off the counter he was leaning on. He drinks the rest of his water, a small drop sliding down the side of his mouth. I bite my lip and look down at the cold glass foggy from the heat of my body.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted.” I say and I realize now just how tired I am and how much of a mess I must look like.

“Your girlfriend seems nice.” Simon says a moment later, so randomly it takes me a moment to respond.

“Uh, yeah, she’s…. she’s something.” I let out an awkward laugh, hoping my face doesn't look too displeased with the fact that Freya was brought up.

Simon nods and rubs his hands together. Something I noticed he does a lot.

“Well goodnight Josh.” He says smiling softly at me.

“Goodnight Simon.” I watch him leave the room, my eyes glued to his tall frame. I stand in the kitchen a minute longer before I decide to shower. I strip down and let the hot water hit me, trying to wash away the tightness in my chest. When I exit my body is bright red from the hot water. Satisfied I go into my room and crawl under the covers. It isn’t long before sleep takes over me.

**Simon's POV**

I woke up to another nightmare. The same nightmare that has been haunting my dreams for months. The smell of earth and alcohol. Headlights and the crunching sound of metal. A scream that no one heard. I turn over and place the pillow over my face and close my eyes willing myself to fall asleep. I turn and look at the clock. It reads 4:30. JJ and I got home from the party a little after 2 and JJ immediately crashed, most likely from the excessive amounts of mojitos and vodka he ingested. As I was drifting off my mind wandered to Josh and when I was actually starting to fall asleep it wandered to something worse. With my heart still beating softly I walk down the steps and into the kitchen to get some water. I almost shit myself when I hear a person behind me. I still almost shit myself when I realize it was Josh. His eyes were bloodshot and his shirt was hanging loosely. His beard needed a trim and he most definitely needed a shower. I couldn't tell if he was wasted or not. We made small talk, bringing up freya which Josh didn't seem too pleased about. Awkwardly I ended the conversation and went back to my room. I sat and pulled the covers up to my neck and listened for his footsteps along the floorboards. I heard the shower softly turn on and I let the noise soothe me. It isn't long before the room is growing hazy and I'm wondering if this is all a dream.

When I open my eyes I am confused again as to where I am. It doesn’t take me long however, to realize I’m in my new home, with my new life. I glance at the clock and it reads 2pm. I push myself up and dress quickly. I then head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, but not before colliding directly into a shirtless Josh. I take a step back and mumble a quick sorry. The feeling of his flesh still stinging my arm. My eyes meet his and he smiles.

“Sorry mate.” He says, “not used to sharing this bathroom.” He shrugs.

“I should look where I’m going, so it’s my fault.” I say, my cheeks burning fire as I try to keep my eyes focused on his face and not anywhere lower.

Josh continues looking at me his eyes searching me as if he’s looking for something. I start to grow uncomfortable and he notices.

“Any plans for the day?” I ask awkwardly, trying to get his glare off of me. He bites his lip and runs a hand through his dark hair and blows out a loud breath.

“Fuck if I know. It’s a bitch to get all the guys together to record.” He shrugs.

“Oh.” I say because well… I have no other answer to give.

“Unless you wanted to play a game? I need one for my second channel anyway and JJ is still passed out and when he wakes up the only thing he’ll be wanting is tylenol and a toilet to puke in.” Josh rolls his eyes.

Immediately my pulse picks up and I feel as if I’m the one needing the toilet to throw up. “Uhh..” I stutter trying to find the words to say. Why am I making things so hard on myself? He needs a video for his channel, Vikk isn’t home and JJ’s hungover, you are the only person left in the house so why is this such a big deal?

“Simon?” Josh asks softly, bringing me back to reality.

“Yeah?” I ask, meeting his eyes once again.

He smiles softly. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s alright.”

“No!” I say a little quickly and mentally kick myself. “I do, it’s just I’m—“ I try to rack my brain for an excuse besides if I’m alone in a room with you i cant be held accountable for the things I do to you. Nothing gay though… I’m not…. you know… there’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m not…

“Your just what Simon?” Josh asks, the same soft smile on his face as before.

“I’m not… good at video games, well… besides Fifa.” I say meekly. Looking down at my sock-less feet.

Josh laughs then and places a hand on my shoulder. I feel the weight and immediately feel it weighing me down. “Don’t worry, I’ll take it easy on you.” He then winks and I try to smile but I’m sure I just look extremely constipated.

“Okay.” I say, still feeling his hand burning through my shoulder. “I need to brush me teeth first though.” I say randomly. Josh raises an eyebrow at me and smirks.

“We’re just playing a game Simon.” He says, licking his bottom lip. It just occurs to me what I’ve said and I blush deeper.

“Not… like that, I—“

Josh laughs “I get it, go… have good hygiene, just meet me in my room when your done.” He walks away and I push myself into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I go over to the sink and turn the water on cold, I slash my face and look at myself in the mirror. Do not panic. After a few more moments of my panic attack and I leave and walk over to Josh’s room and knock. He yells come in and I slowly push open the door. It’s the first time I’ve seen his room outside of Youtube videos and it’s bigger than it seems, and it smells like scented candles. Josh has put a shirt on and is hooking up chords and cables to his computer.

“You ready?” He asks pulling up another chair to his desk. I nod and take a seat extremely close to him. Our knees brush once but I ignore it.

“Do you have any games in mind?” He asks.

“We can play whatever.” I say. After much debate (mostly from Josh) we settle on a random Quiz called Who’s the Perfect Person for You? Josh clears his throat a couple of times and takes a drink of water.

“You ready?” He asks. I nod and he turns on the camera. He does a quick intro and turns to me.

“Simon, introduce yourself.” He says.

“Hi.” I give the camera a small wave.

“Newest member of the sidemen here, and between you and me he’s already my favorite.” Josh winks at the camera before going into the quiz. I sit there quietly as he goes into detail, nodding occasionally and pretending to listen to what he’s saying, when really all I’m thinking about is how close his knee is to mine again.

“Okay the, without further ado, lets get into it.” He clicks start and the first question immediately pops up.

You say your typical type is?  
A. Loud, Outgoing, Adventurous  
B. Quiet, Sweet, Blond  
C. Funny, Goofball, Lovable

Josh looks at me for an answer. And all I can think about is how Josh is C and that is the one I want to choose.

“You choose.” I say, looking at him as he reads over them again.

“B.” He says, sitting back against his chair.

“B.” I repeat and Josh nods.

“Yeah, Freya, she’s quiet, sweet, and blond. You?”

“B works.” I say ignoring the pang I feel when I hear her name I try my best to smile and we move onto the next question.

Your crush asks you on a date, where does he take you?  
A. a romantic picnic  
B. movie and dinner  
C bowling/something fun/adventurous

“I think this quiz is meant for girls, Josh.” I say, wondering what Josh is going to do about it.

“Ah, that’s alright, we’ll just change it to she.” He says. I nod and we continue, laughing at most of the questions and cracking jokes. I start to loosen up, even feel a little comfortable. Finally it’s time for our results.

“Alight guys, see you all in three seconds.” Josh says to the camera, then turning to me. “It takes like a minute for the quizzes to process.”

“Okay, it’s cool.” I say.

“So, who do you think is the perfect person for you?” He asks.

“I don’t know, maybe your mum.” I say earning a laugh from Josh who nudges me slightly.

“Here we go.” He says once the time fills up.

“And the perfect person for us is—“ His voice trails off as we wait for the result to pop up.

“In control and strong: you need a man who isn’t afraid to tell you what he wants. You need someone to be straight up with you and have the strength to fulfill all of your needs—“ Josh bursts out laughing barely finishing the small description. I can't help but smile as well.

“Well there you guys go.” Josh says, still laughing slightly, “Let us know what game you want me and Simon to play next in the comments below. Thank you all for watching and goodbye!” He reaches up and turns off the camera. He then lets out another loud laugh.

“So simon…” He says, sitting back down. “Looks like you need a daddy.” He smirks. I blush deeply and burry my hands in the pocket of my shorts.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” I say, looking at Josh, who is now looking down in his lap and smiling softly.

“Thanks for doing this with me.” He says.

“No worries. It was fun.”

A small silence falls around us. “So.” Josh says, his eyes meeting mine.

“So..” I say, wondering what was going to happen now. I had an idea of what I would like to happen.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, standing. I just then realize how much I starving.

“I am actually.”

“Let’s go eat then, do you like pasta?” He asks.

“Yes, I do.” I laugh. He reaches his hand out to mine and I take it. He pulls me up and we make out way into the kitchen. We spend the afternoon following some recipe online. We’re talking and laughing and for the first time, I’m not thinking about last January, or freya, or my sexuality. I’m not thinking at all, and I love it.

**Josh's POV**

I have one major problem right now. And that is the fact that I can't stop giggling. Simon looks up from the opposite end of the table and frowns at me.

“What?” He asks pouting, eating another bite of spaghetti. I giggle again and then the giggle turns into laughing.

“You have sauce on your face, mate.” And it’s not even that funny, but for some reason I feel drunk, but usually when I am drunk I don’t feel giddy or giggly, I feel numb. This is the intoxication that can only come from a certain person. A person that makes you feel numb to the inside pain.

“You didn’t think to tell me earlier?” He scoffs bringing up his napkin to wipe his face.

“No, I thought it was cute.” I watch as Simon blushes and I enjoy it…. being able to make him blush, but then I immediately regret it, but I know I can’t stop, because I want to see Simon smile. I want to see him smile forever. Ever since we ended to quiz video, there has been a Simon I hadn’t met before, which would make sense because I’ve only known him 2 days, there are two sides to every person, but I knew that I would love all of Simon’s different sides, even the dark and awful one he doesn’t show. The sides that live within al of us, our own set of demons.

“Shut up.” He says, smiling. When he removes the napkin the sauce remains. I get up and walk over to him, grabbing the napkin. I place it on his face and wipe the sauce off. He squirms under my grasps and grabs my wrist. By the time I move, Simon is so red he looks like a tomato.

I smile at him, “All better”

Simon pouts again, but continues eating. Just then JJ walks through the door and its past 7pm.

“What are you queers doing?” He asks, laughing and grabbing Simon’s plate to take a bite. Simon smiles at him and I feel a ping of jealously.

“You know, the usual.” I say shrugging off how Simon looks at JJ, a look that I want for myself.

“Yeah, and what is the usual for you Josh? I don’t see Freya around anywhere, isn’t she what your usually doing.” He laughs and walks over to the fridge pulling out a juice. I roll my eyes and scoff.

“I dont see how you can call me queer, then ask why I’m not banging my girlfriend.”

“My uncle is gay Josh.” JJ then says, opening his juice and taking a drink.

“JJ what the hell does that have to do with anything.”

JJ shrugs, “It doesn’t, I just though you’d like to know.”

Simon giggles softly from the other side of the table and JJ turns to him. I watch as JJ bends down and gives Simon a tight hug. Simon leans into the embrace. I look down at the little drops of condensation forming around my glass.

“Well, I have girls to bang, so I will see you losers later.” He says, flipping us off on his way out.

“Shouldn’t you be uploading?” I call out him, I hear a muffled fuck off through the other room and I laugh.

“You and JJ are close.” I say a moment later when the front door closes.

“Yeah, we are… I’ve known him my whole life.” Simon says.

“He’s different with you, you know.” I say.

“He’s not different, he’s just… more himself.” He shrugs, “He’s not a bad guy.” He mumbles.

“I know.” I say. I sit down and for some reason the giddiness is gone and I’m left with the same emptiness I always am. Simon grows silent as well and I see the shy boy coming back again and I don’t want it. I want to see laughing and joking Simon, but I’m coming to realize that he doesn’t show that side of him often… I think he is scared to. I see myself, much more than I should. The questioning, never wanting to get too close with someone. It’s terrifying.

“I’m… gonna start cleaning up.” I say, trying to push away how beautiful Simon is when he is smiling.I push myself up from the table with a small moan and grab the dishes, setting them into the sink.

“Let me help.” Simon says walking over and grabbing the ingrediants that we left thrown about on the counters.

We are silent as we clean up the kitchen. When we are finished I back away and wipe my hands on the back of my pants.

“I’m gonna go record some FIFA now… thanks again for the video, and dinner.” I say smiling.

He smiles softly back, “Of course.” And it’s silent and awkward again.

We head our separate ways and I walk into my room. I set up FIFA and lose all three games I play. I’m not thinking straight, no pun intended. I stay up the rest of the night editing and trying to ignore the thoughts in my head. Don’t fall for Simon, do not fall for Simon. I keep telling myself this over and over, but the more I say it, the harder I’m falling for him.

**Simon's POV**

I’ve been at the Sidemen house for 6 weeks now and I have fallen into routine. Wake up, make videos, edit, eat, sleep, repeat. I don’t really have time for anything other than that, at least its a good excuse when the sidemen go out and party and I stay home. I’d say it’s a win win. Currently I’m home alone and making myself some tea in the kitchen. Josh walks down the stairs in a pair of shorts, hair wet and freshly showered. Though I’ve been here for more than a month my breath still catches when I see him.

“It’s fucking hot.” He says, walking over to open the kitchen window. He leans next to me and I can feel the heat radiating off his body.

“Yeah..” I agree, trying to mention that I was just fine until he walked into the room. He smirks and me and leans closer.

“What are you making?” He asks, biting his lip. I can smell his soap.

“Tea.” I say, pouring the water into a mug.

“Yum, make me some?” He asks, “pleeassseee.” he pouts.

“Fine.” I smile softly and add more water to the kettle to heat up. I put my teabag in the mug and hand it to Josh.

“You can have mine, I’ll take the next batch.”

“Thanks, Si, you’re the best.” He says grabbing the hot liquid and blowing on it.

“I know.” I say sitting down next to him. Though Josh and I have grown tremendously close these past few weeks, I haven’t acted on anything and my body is hating me for it. Not even my hand is getting me there anymore…I am slowly losing my mind. And he knows it. The way he bends down in front of me, or fixes his hair, or bites his lip, or smirks. Not to mention when we record together. He’s always moaning or making sly comments and teasing me. GTA videos are the worst. Every day it is a struggle not to grab him by the throat and kiss the shit out of him, get beard burns on my cheeks and thighs and—“

“Simon.” Josh laughs softly.

“What?” I ask.

“The tea kettle.” He nods in the stoves direction. I send him a confused look then I hear it. The water is boiled. I blush and rise from the table and grab a mug, filling it with water, then the tea bag. I walk over and sit back down next to him.

“Where’s your head mate?” He asks, tapping me lightly on the head.

I scoff, “You tell me.”

We sit and talk like usual, occasionally throwing in a few suggestive comments, but nothing out of the usual.

“So, are you coming out with us tonight?” Josh asks.

“I can't I have to—“

“Edit videos, yeah yeah.” Josh interrupts.

I smile, “I do.”

“There’s better things to do then that.” He says.

“Oh yeah, like what?” I ask.

He tilts his head to the side and smirks. “I don’t know Simon, what do you want to do?” He asks.

I bite my lip and think of my options, I could flirt back and possibly have some stuff to think about later when I’m.. you know.. having some alone time. Or I can remember what happened last time I fell for someone.

“I can think of a lot of things I want to do.” I say back evenly. Fuck it, was the answer I decided on.

I notice Josh swallow but he doesn’t say anything. I finish my tea and stand to put my cup in the sink. A moment later a feel Josh behind me, his breath hot in my ear. His hand is slowly sliding down my side. He grips my hips and grinds into me, earning a moan from my lips.

“I know who you can do.” He mumbles deeply. He turns me around and lifts me on the counter as he sinks his teeth into my neck. His hand traveling up my spine causing goosebumps to arise on my skin.

“Fuck’s sake Josh.” I say into his hair, he lets out a low moan and kisses me even harder.

And then I’m awake. My heart pounding in my chest and sweat on my body. I wait a moment to catch my breath before I look down at my boxers, which are not dry anymore. I let out a groan and stand up. I make a dash to the shower and make it just it time. I’m pathetic. 23 years old and I’m still having wet dreams like I’m 12. I clean myself up and emerge. I get dressed and go into the kitchen, where Josh and Freya are both sitting.

“Hey Simon!” Freya says when I walk in. She came to the sidemen house sometimes, now though, for some reason, she’s been showing up more and more often, hanging all over Josh and always touching him and hugging him.

“Hi.” I say awkwardly, trying to avoid Josh’s eyes. I know that if I look at him memories of the dream I had just half an hour before would come back to my mind. I walk over to the fridge and grab a cup out of the cupboard.

“Do you want some tea?” Josh asks, standing and walking over to the kettle. Suddenly I drop my cup and it makes a loud noise against the floor. Freya lets out a startled gasp.

“Uh, no..” I say, bending down and picking up the pieces of shattered mug off the tiled floor.. “Im fine, thank you though.” I say once more, my cheeks burning and my words coming out rushed and breathless.

“You’re jumpy today, mate, everything good?” He asks, resting a hand on my shoulder, sincere eyes roaming mine. I swallow.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I say. I turn and run into the counter, hitting my hip on the hard point. I let out a yelp in pain as I grab the spot and apply pressure to relieve the pain shooting throughout my body.

“Simon.” Josh says, walking over. “Where is your head today mate?” He asks laughing. A sense of deja vu shoots through me. Those are the exact words he asked me in my dream. The kitchen is becoming a hundred degrees and I need to get out.

“I have to go pee.” I say, walking away from him.

“Are you going to Lewis' party tonight?” He asks as I try not to trip over my own feet. I curse myself for being so lanky and clumsy.

“No.. I uh, have to edit… some videos, so.”

“Oh, that’s a shame.” He says, looking at me strangely. He walks over and puts his glass in the sink, right next to the counter where we... bonded...

“Yeah. But you guys have fun! Have a drink for me.” I saw awkwardly, still stumbling out the door way.

“We will.” Freya says then and I almost forgot she was there. I send her a tight smile and finally make it the stair case. When I make it back to my room I throw a pillow over my face and let out a loud groan, knowing that things aren’t going to get any easier for me.

**Josh's POV**

“Josh please.” Freya says in my ear. It’s a Friday night around 10 pm and there’s a party going on at Lewis’ house. There’s people everywhere and most of them are highly intoxicated… again… like Freya.

“I dont want to sleep with you when you’re drunk.” I say for the fifth time. I don't mention I didn’t want to fuck her sober either. I was bummed to say the least. Simon didn’t want to go out, and I know it’s because he doesn’t drink, but his presence would have made this whole night so much more enjoyable. Yes, I wanted to get in his pants, but that doesn’t mean I’m not his friend. He is probably the only person I could call a true friend right now, though he was acting extremely awkward this morning. I figure it’s just because of Freya, I don’t think Simon has ever liked her… Which I mean, hey, get in line.

“But Josh, I’m so wet.” She mumbles climbing on top of me and grinding her hips down. I sigh and push her off.

“No.” I say.

“You never wanna fuck anymore, what is your problem?” She scoffs and slides off, her cup sloshing liquid as she sits next to me.

“Are you gay or something?” She asks.

I scoff and roll my eyes at her. She gives me a dirty look. I ignore her and close my eyes, letting the music and laughter drown out her annoying voice.

“Josh.” She says a moment later, scooting up and resting her head on my shoulder. We were outside on a blanket in the grass. The pool was just a short distance away. I could still see everyone dancing and laughing. The music still loud even though we were a good mile from the pool house.

“What?” I ask annoyed.

“Do you think I’m beautiful?” She asks.

I take a deep breath. “Of corse, Freya.” I say.

“Because I know a lot of other guys who think I’m beautiful… Who wanna fuck me.” She says.

I roll my eyes. “Then go fuck them.” I say and I immediately regret it. She freezes and looks at me. I can see the anger on her face.

“Fuck you!” She stands and leaves, but not before throwing her cup at me, getting beer on my shirt. I watch as she stumbles into the house and out of sight. I pull out my phone and somehow I have landed on Simon’s number. It takes all of my will power not to press call. I wanted him here. If not just to feel him next to me. I sigh and push myself off the grass and go to find Freya. I spot Ethan along the way dancing with some girls.

“Ethan.” I call to him. He doesn’t hear me. I walk over and grab his arm, leading him away from the girls.

“Josh, this better be fucking important.” He says.

I ignore his sass, “Have you seen Freya?” I ask.

“No.” Ethan says “She’s your fucking girlfriend, it’s your job to keep up with her.”

I immediately get ticked off, but then I get it and I realize Ethan is right.

“Thanks mate, go have fun.” I say. He smiles at me and gives me a hug. He then walks back over to the girls and they resume dancing.

I look for Freya a little more to apologize then I give up. Why should I have to ruin my night and my fun because of her? I’m 23 years old. I should be fucking whoever I wanted, whether it be girls or boys. I grab the nearest cup next to me and down it in one. I then find a bottle of Vodka and spend the rest of the night slowly drinking it. By the time 3 am rolls around I am completely drunk and completely out of fucks to give. I fumble around for my keys and I realize Freya drove, and Freya is nowhere to be seen. Moaning I take off towards the house, which isn’t far… I don’t think. I can’t really remember. I finish off the bottle and toss it in a nearby bush. I trip a couple of times, but overall make it to the house. I walk in and for some reason I find myself going to Simon’s room. I open his door which is unlocked and he is asleep. His face peaceful and relaxed. I walk over and sit by him, watching as his chest softly rises and falls. He is beautiful.

**Simon's POV**

I open my eyes and let out a tired yawn. For some reason I slept amazingly last night, like one of the best sleeps i have ever gotten. I stretch out my legs when it hits something hard that is not a pillow. I freeze and turn over to see Josh, sleeping peacefully next to me. What the fuck? How did he get in here? Confused I tap him lightly on the shoulder. He lets out a small moan and frowns. I poke him again.

“Stop, bitch.” He mumbles and turns over.

“Josh.” I say, shaking him a little harder. He turns back over and his eyes slowly open. They become wide as he sits up.

“Simon, I’m so sorry, I—“ He looks around the room. “I actually don’t have an explanation for this.” He says, his face turning red.

“Well I certainly don’t.” I say.

“God, my head hurts like a bitch.” He says. His eyes then light up.

“Look, Simon, I got really drunk last night and… yeah.” He frowns “I’m sorry.”

I look at him and his eyes are bloodshot and he has a small cut on forehead. I reach my hand to touch it, but then instinctively put it down.

“Why were you drunk?” I ask.

He swallows and looks away. He shakes his head. “I’m so fucking sick of it.” He says. “I’m sorry, I—“

“No.” I say, turning to face him. “Keep going.”

He takes a deep breath, “Freya. I can’t Simon, not anymore, I’m not in love with her, I can’t pretend that I want her and that I want to spend time with her and kiss her and be with her when I don’t and It’s so frustrating because my parents have this thing where they want me to marry her and have kids and spend my life with her when I can’t even stand her! It’s just…. I’m exhausted, you know.” He looks down at his hands and frowns.

I watch as he tries to steady his breathing. Even as distraught and upset he looks, he’s still so beautiful and all i want to do is touch him and tell him that he is beautiful.

“I’m so sorry.” I say.

He looks at me, and for the first time I see it. He’s scared. He is scared because he is just like me. I bite my lip and close my eyes as he brings a finger to my cheek. I feel him slide it down over my lips and to my neck.

"Simon?" He asks his hand sliding down my arm to my wrist.

I swallow "yes?”

"Can I kiss you?" He asks and it's so simple. So easy to get lost in his eyes and his lips and his smell. My mind is telling me to say no, say no and don't break yourself anymore, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's breaking myself, so I close my eyes and I lean in. His lips are chapped and my nose is cold against his cheek but the rest of my body is on fire, a burning deep inside of me that will now never be extinguished. Because now even after he's pulled away and is running his fingers along my cheek I can still feel him. And even now as its 12 hours later and I'm in bed I can still feel him. And even when I'm still trying to fall asleep but I can't and it's 4 am I still feel him and I just keep feeling him...and I want more.

**Josh's POV**

There is a happiness deep inside of me that I can’t seem to shake. It’s not the kind of happiness that comes from buying a new phone or video game. It’s a terrifying happiness that you know can be ripped away within seconds. It’s poisonous. And it’s just been ripped away.

I was making some breakfast when my phone rings next to me. It’s my mum.

“Hi, mum.” I say, holding the phone between my cheek and shoulder to flip the pancake.

“Joshua.” My mother says sternly. I grab the phone and place it correctly to hear better.

“Yes?” I ask.

“Do you want to know who I just got off the phone with?” She asks.

“Um.. The queen?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood. Whoever it was she just talked to… it wasn’t good.

“No, Freya’s mother. She told me Freya called a couple nights ago crying.”

I freeze, trying to brace myself for whatever was coming next.

“Oh really?” I ask casually. “Did Freya say why she was upset?”

“Did Freya say why she was upset.” My mother repeats and I can hear the scoff in her voice, “yes, she did Joshua, she said that your broke her heart.”

“I didn’t technically break her heart—”

“You told her to go fuck some other guy.” Mum says and it’s the first time I have ever heard her use vulgarity.

“We got into a fight, so what? Couple’s fight mum, you and dad do all the time.”

“This is nothing like me and your father, we’ve been married for 26 years.”

“Mum I—“

“No, Joshua, you listen to me. You will make things right with her. I let you do that youtube crap that you begged for, you are not getting rid of Freya do you hear me? Our families are too close to throw this away, think of your father's career.”

“And if I don’t?” I ask.

“Then let’s just say you shouldn’t bother coming home for thanksgiving.” She hangs up then and I stand there for a moment in shock of what she has just said. I put my phone down and look down at the burnt pancake in front of me. I sigh and toss it out, the kitchen smelling of burnt batter. I start working on a new one when I hear Simon enter behind me. He slips a hand around my shoulder and leans in, nipping slightly at the exposed flesh of my neck.

“I miss you.” He mumbles, kissing me softly and biting at my lip

“Simon.” I moan, not being able to contain my smile.

“What are you cooking?” He mumbles into my neck. I know that at any moment Vikk or JJ could walk in and see Simon, with his arm wrapped around my shoulders and his mouth on my neck. I smile and watch as he takes the spatula out of my hand and pours the pancake mix into the pan. I watch as he cooks the pancakes and giggles when he looks at me after he flips it in the air. I watch as he grabs the fancy plates out of the drawer and covers the pancakes in butter and syrup. I watch him as he eats and drinks and bites his lip. I watch as he makes a face when he realizes I’m watching him. I watch as he pulls me in and kisses me softly. I keep watching and watching and I don’t think I can ever not look at him. I never want to forget any detail of his face. I want to remember the way he laughs and talks and frowns and moans. My phone rings and the name Freya flashes on the screen. Immediately the high has ended and Simon has seen the number. He clears his throat and grabs our plates, setting them in the sink.

“You gonna answer that?” He mumbles, not turning to face me.

I stand up and wrap my arms around him, “Nah, it’s not important.”

He turns and smiles at me and there is a beautiful light behind his eyes. I never want to forget the color of those eyes.

  **Simon's POV**

The past of couple of days have been bliss. In both ways. Touching Josh and kissing josh and just being with Josh in general. I walk into his room and curl up next to him in bed. Nudging my head on his shoulder quite forcefully.

He ignores me.

“Josh.” I pout. I see a small smile play on his lips.

“Josh you have three seconds to pay attention to me before I leave.” I hold up my hand.

“One.” I say. I watch a second for his reaction. He doesn’t look my way, just keeps his eyes trained to the Netflix documentary playing in front of him. Vikk went home to visit his parents this weekend and JJ was never home. Me and Josh had the place to ourselves, which didn’t happen often. Sure, we occasionally sneak off and have our alone time, but it is almost impossible to film videos without dropping hints or being completely found out. Some of the comments have even mentioned the flirting going on between us, but I actually didn't mind. In fact, I liked that the comments were on to us.

“Two.” I see him raise his eyebrows and his smirk gets larger.

“Three.” He says, turning then and kissing me softly.

“Took you long enough.” I say, breaking away long enough to get air, before finding his lips again. We settle down comfortably and I snuggle close to him, taking in his scent. He throws his arm around me and pulls me in closer.

“I could stay like this forever.” I mumble against his shirt.

“Me too.” I say dreamily.

He looks at me and brings a soft hand to my cheek.

“What is this?” He asks.

I bring a hand to my face, “What?”

He laughs “No, nothing with your face, but us, me and you. What are we?”

I bite my lip and frown, “I don’t know.” To be honest I never really thought we weren’t dating. It’s been a month now, I just assumed Josh and I were a couple.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, getting worried.

Josh swallows and moves away from me slightly.

“Josh?”

“Simon, my mum called me a couple weeks ago.” He says and I grow confused.

“Yeah and?”

He swallows. “If I don’t stay with Freya, they won’t have anything to do with me anymore.”

I sit up and face him, “What? That’s ridiculous, they’re your family, they can’t just do that.”

He nods, “They can… and they will.”

“You said it’s been weeks since she called, Josh.” I say.

“I know.” He says, but he is still quiet.

“There’s something you're not telling me.” I say.

“My mum called me again. Well, I called her. Earlier today. I asked if I could come home to visit. I miss them, they’re my parents.” He sighs, “Freya’s dad cut my father off, because of me.” He says.

“I dont understand.”

Josh takes in a breath, “Her father, is my father’s boss, Simon. That’s why I’m with her in the first place. It was arranged. Our mothers are childhood friends. They wanted the perfect life.”

“And you left Freya.” I say, putting it all together.

“And I left Freya.” He repeats then his face breaks.

“I told them I was gay.” He says then.

I watch as a tear slides down his cheek. “They told me not to come home.” He looks at me, his nose red and eyes puffy, “ever.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. This is all my fault. I am the reason Josh’s parents disowned him.

“Simon… I… this…. It’s not… working.” He says suddenly. My head snaps up so fast I hear it crack.

I pause silently taking in his words. “Josh.” I say reaching my hand out to him. How could it be that just moments ago I was laying hearing the beat of his heart and his warm lips on mine and now I can only feel my own heart beat, loud in my ears.

“My family comes first, Simon, they always will.” He says, more tears dripping. I feel some of my own hit my lip. It burns.

“You came out to them Josh, you can’t just go back in.”

“I know.” He says, wiping his eyes. “But I can get back with Freya, show up with her and tell them it was just a phase and that I’m better now.”

“Better?” I ask, anger rising in me, “Gay is not a sickness Josh, you can’t just get better.”

“I might not even be gay, Simon.” Josh shrugs, but I know it’s not true. Because I can see it in his eyes and I can feel it deep down inside of me. I grow cold and angry.

“So you’re just gonna drop me? Like I’m nothing to you?”

“We can be friends, but I’ll move out of the Sidemen house and in with Freya.”

“Are you fucking insane Josh? What about JJ and Vikk and the other sidemen?”

“I’ll still be in the sidemen, Behz, Tobi, and Harry don’t live with us and they’re still here.”

“What about me?” I ask quietly, hating myself for the break in voice and lump in my throat.

Josh stops and is silent. “You were fun.” He says, almost so quiet I can’t hear him.

I look up at him and I know he can see the hate in my eyes. “Fun?” I ask.

“I needed a break from Freya, you moved in. It was fun. We fooled around.”

“How can you say that to me?” I grab his arm. “Look at me.” I say, forcing his eyes to meet mine, “Look me in the eyes and say you don’t want me.”

“C’mon Simon, don’t be this way.” He says.

“No Josh, don’t be what way? Angry that I let myself fall for you just so you can tell me you don’t want me anymore? That’s kinda low, usually they drop you after they fuck you but we… we haven’t even fucked yet.” My hands start shaking and everything I didn’t want to happen is happening. The reason I didn’t want to move to London is happening.

“I love Freya, Simon, I am not gay, and I don’t love you.” His voice is low and he refuses to look at me.

“Say it to my face.” I say, feeling another tear fall down my cheek and onto my lips. This one burning more than the last, but now I’m starting to enjoy the burn.

He raises his head slowly. “I love Freya. I am not gay. I do not love you.”

I am silent for a moment when suddenly I have no more fight left in me.

“Fuck you Josh.” I leave his room and grab my jacket. My heart is racing and tears are falling down my face rapidly by now. I do the only thing I know to do. I go to the bar. It’s crowded like all bars usually are at 7 at night on a Friday. People are dancing and drinking and laughing. I push my way past the crowd of people and find a seat. I cant even remember what I ordered but it was strong, like whiskey or vodka. It feels good. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in 6 months. I had a lot of time to make up for. Hours go by and the room grows hazy and my mind becomes fuzzy.

“Is this seat taken?” A voice says lightly from behind. I turn and see an older man holding a drink.

“It is now.” I smirk, and take another shot of what I believe now is tequila.

“How old are you?” He asks.

“I’m 23.” I say and the man laughs. “I know, I look like I’m 14, not the first time I’ve been accused of underage drinking.” The man laughs and slides into the chair next to me.

“I’m Will.” He says.

“Simon… I think.” I laugh then and so does Will.

“So why are you here Simon?” He asks.

“I’m here because I’m gay and I’m unloved.”

He laughs, “Aren’t we all.” He smiles at me and offers to buy me another drink. I think I decline, but then moments later I’m shoveling back another shot, being sick of small talk.

“Do you…do you wanna get out of here, Bill?” I mumble.

“Uh, it’s Will, and sure.” He smiles and helps me out of my chair.

“Where is that you want to go?” He asks.

“Anywhere you can fuck me.” I mumble in his ear and he lets out a moan in mine. He calls a taxi and I’m stumbling inside, already working on the buckle of Will’s jeans. His kisses are hot and rough but I can’t feel them. I can’t feel much of anything. His hands are down my pants by the time we reach his penthouse in upstate London. We make it to his room and he has me pushed against the wall but all I can think about is Josh and his smile and his soft skin and pouty lips. I can only think of his stupid jokes and when he tries to cook but burns everything. His voice and his laugh and his hands. I miss him so fucking much my heart hurts.

Will now has me pinned down underneath him on his bed. His fingers are digging into my hips and it hurts. I let out a yelp, but he doesn’t listen, just keeps trying to take my clothes off.

“Stop.” I mumble, realizing now, how big of a mistake i’ve made. How stupid I am.

“Stop.” I say louder but he isn’t listening. I start to panic, feeling tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

“Get off!” I struggle to push him off, but he doesn't listen. He’s bigger than me, by a lot.

“Please, stop.” He rolls me over and I’m on my stomach now, my jeans slid to my ankles and I don’t want this anymore. I want to go home, and I don’t mean to Leeds, I mean home. With Josh and JJ and Vikk.

“Get the fuck off of me!” I scream and kick my legs. I reach behind me and grab a chunk of his hair and yank it.

“Son of a bitch.” He yells, pushing off me and stumbling backwards. He grabs the back of his head and looks at me like I’m nuts.

“If you come near me I swear to god, I’ll.”

“What? What is a little kid like you gonna do, huh? You’re useless, and worthless. Now get the fuck out if we’re not gonna fuck. There’s plenty more twinks out there besides you.”

I quickly stand and pull my pants up. I grab my jacket and rush out of the house, adrenaline still pumping. I fall over onto the sidewalk three blocks away from where he took me. I don’t know where I am, I’m drunk and It’s a long way from home. I fumble for my phone and call the only number I can JJ.

“Hello?” He mumbles, voice groggy.

“JJ, where are you?” I ask, my voice must have sounded panicked because his voice changed immediately.

“I’m at a friends house, where are you?”

“I.. I don’t know, but I’m drunk and I can’t walk.”

“Okay, Simon, do not move. I am coming to get you. Do you see any street signs?”

I look around for something to give him, but I see nothing. “I don’t know JJ I don’t see anything and I’m scared and I was almost raped tonight.” I start crying harder.

“Raped? Simon, where the fuck are you?”

I continue looking until I spot the name of the apartments. I quickly tell him the name.

“I will be there in 10 minutes do not move, Simon, okay, promise me.”

“I promise.”

As JJ promised 10 minutes later he pulls up and jumps out of the car. He walks over and grabs me and pulls me close, hugging me so tightly I could barely breath. He pulls me into the car and buckles me up.

“Don’t you ever fucking do this again do you hear me.”

“Nothing has changed has it?” I mumble.

“What do you mean, Simon?”

“Meaning nothing has changed since January. I am the same fucked up person I was then, always needing you to get me out of trouble.”

“Simon, this is different.”

I shake my head. “It’s not, it’s not because I am drunk and in trouble and you are here again to save the day.”

“You were almost raped.” JJ says, “who touched you? did he hurt you because I swear to god if he did.”

“He didn’t, JJ.” I promise. The car falls silent.

“JJ.” I say a moment later.

“Yeah?”

“Josh is gay.” I say.

“I know.”

I look over at him, “You knew?”

“Yes.”

“So you know that—“

“You two had a thing?” He asks then laughs, “yeah, I did.”

“I don’t deserve you.” I say.

“I know.” JJ laughs.

“Fuck off.” I say and then the lights are getting dimmer and I’m drifting off into dreamless sleep,

**Josh's POV**

I watch silently as JJ carries Simon’s passed out body upstairs.

“Do you want help?” I ask, wanting to reach out and grab his hand, to pull him close and tell him I’m sorry and that i love him so fucking much I can’t see straight.

“I’ve got it.”

A moment later JJ comes back downstairs and takes a seat next to me in the kitchen.

“How is he?” I ask.

“Really drunk.” JJ says.

I feel my face fall and the tears coming. “This is all my fault.” I say, my voice breaking as I start to cry. “He hates me JJ, he hates me.”

“No he doesn’t.” JJ shakes his head.

“He does, because I fell for him and I lead him on and I kissed him and loved him and then my mum of all people, told me I wasn’t allowed to love him, and so I broke him, for what? To make my parents happy? What’s the point of making my parents happy if it’s tearing me apart?”

“Simon was almost raped tonight.” JJ says. I stop crying and immediately look up.

“What?” I ask, standing, feeling anger rise through me, “who was it? If anyone touched him, I swear I will—“

“He won’t talk about it, so don’t try asking him about it.”

My face falls and I slump back in the chair, “What do I do JJ?” I ask.

“Talk to him, that’s the only way you will understand why Simon is who he is. Ask him about what happened last January.”

“You can’t tell me?”

JJ shakes his head, “You need to hear it from him.” He stands up and walks over to me.

“We both need to get to sleep, we’ll talk more in the morning.”

JJ turns to leave when I grab his hand, “JJ”

“Yeah?” He asks.

I hug him, long and tight “Thank you. Thank you so fucking much.”

He pulls away and smiles “Goodnight Josh.”

**Simon's POV**

When I wake up the next morning my head is pounding. There is a glass of water by my bed among tylenol and other things. I rub my eyes and try to stand when I feel a sharp pain in my hip. I walk over to my mirror and slowly lift my shirt to reveal finger print bruises on along my hip bone. I touch one and wince. The memories of the night before coming back in blotchy bits and pieces. I put my shirt down and take a sip of the water JJ must have left me. I hear a light knock on my door.

“Come in.”

Josh’s dark hair slowly peaks through.

“Knock Knock.” He says, a sad smile on his lips. “Can I come in?”

I nod and he walks over to me. He sits down lightly on my bed and faces me.

“I heard… about last night.”

I nod and look away, too embarrassed to face him. “I get like this, sometimes. I’m pretty fucked up.” I tell him, now trying to create a disgusting shell around myself that he won’t want to break through again.

“JJ told me to ask you… about last January.”

My breath stops and I cringe at the memory. He grabs my hand and I flinch. His words being the only clear things I remember. I don’t want you. I don’t love you. Im not gay. I swallow hard and look down. I sit up a little straighter but wince in pain from my hips. Josh notices.

“Did he hurt you?” He asks, his voice so gentle. His eyes wide and confused.

“Not as bad as you did.” I mumble.

Josh’s bottom lip trembles some.

“I called my mum.” He says. “Last night, when JJ brought you home.” He sighs. “I told her that I’m not leaving you and that she can disown me and hate me and call me a faggot, but I don’t care, because I have you and that’s all I need.”

“Josh-“ I say, reaching for him.

“No, let me finish.” He clears his throat. “When JJ brought you home last night and I saw you and I saw what I did to you, I felt something that I didn’t think was humanly possible. It honestly felt like I was dying and I couldn’t hand it. And when I realized it was me, who hurt you like that. I don't wish that feeling on anybody.

“Last night,” I swallow. “When I was with that guy and he was on top of me,” I notice Josh clench his jaw. “I could only think about you and your face and your smile. His smell and his vice was so different. I only wanted your smell and your voice.

Josh smiles sadly at me and I take his hand in mine.

“His name was Ryan.” I say, trying to stop my hand from trembling. “We kind of had a thing, sort of. I was going to this party with JJ and he was going to be there.” I take another breath. “I got to the party and immediately started drinking. Twenty minutes passed and Ryan still wasn’t there. Then thirty minutes, then an hour passed and still no sign of him. He was my first crush, my first real boy crush who might’ve liked me back. When he finally got there I was hammered and I yelled at him asking him where he was and If he was with some other guy.” I shake my head and scoff at my own stupidity. When I look up Josh is watching me intently. I take a deep breath and keep going. “He said he wasn’t, he was just running late, but I wasn’t listening. I just wanted to get into his pants by this point. I asked him if we could talk and he said yes. I asked him if it was cool if we drove somewhere private. There was this place called the bluffs where everyone went to hook up. It was only 20 minutes from where the party was and I swore to him I was sober enough to drive so he said okay. During the ride we started arguing. He didn't want to hide anymore and he wanted to come clean. He told me if we could ever be anything I would have to come out and at that time that just wasn't an option for me. We got into a huge argument, like yelling and screaming, then suddenly we weren't screaming anymore. The last words I ever heard come out of Ryan’s mouth were ‘You're just a coward" I swallow again. "I can still hear the crunching of metal and the smell of burnt rubber.” I wipe a tear away from my cheek. When I look at Josh again I see he’s now crying as well.

“I didn’t go to Ryan’s funeral. I didn’t call his parents and say sorry, I just ignored it.” I sigh, “That’s why I didn’t want to come back here, that’s why I don’t drink and that’s why I don’t get attached to people. I am selfish Josh, I hurt everyone I touch.” I am crying again, but I don’t care. I sit silently waiting for him to look at me and tell me he hates me. That he never wants to look at me again. Instead he scoots closer and wraps me tightly against him. His smell filling my senses and making me feel like home. Actual home.

"I'm sorry" he whispers, voice muffled by my hair.

“You don’t love me.” I say softly.

“Simon. I love you so much it hurts me sometimes. Last night when I found out you were drunk, alone, with some guy who thought it was okay to touch you without your permission, it made me sick Simon. I love you more than anything in this world.” He repeats again, trying his hardest to make me believe it.

"Do you still want me?" I ask, deep down hoping he'll just say no so I can tend to my wounds alone and never have to face anyone again.

"I never didn't want you" he says, his eyes soft.

"When you say you want me, that means you want all of me. You can't chose a part you like and leave the rest. I am my mistakes. I am my flaws Josh.” The words come out rushed and my hand is shaking My chest tightens and I look him in the eyes and see the longing. The same longing I have.

He kisses me softly, his lips smooth and kind against mine.

“What about Freya?” I ask.

“We’ll deal with it.”

“What about your parents?”

“We’ll deal with it.” He says again, kissing me once more.

“And coming out and the sidemen and—“

“Simon.”

“Yeah?”

“We’ll deal with it.”

“Josh. I will hurt you one day. I will be stubborn and I will push you away because that’s who I am and don’t say we’ll deal with it because right now what you are saying is that you want to try. You can’t give up on me, okay Josh?” I grip his shoulders and bring him into me.

“You can’t give up on me” I mumble once more, but he just shushes me and runs his hand along my hair and snuggles into me. I feel warm and protected and invincible.

“I am made of destruction.” I say against his chest.

“You are made of beautiful mistakes."


End file.
